Tense Back

I emailed my sister yesterday. I told her why I wasn't talking to her, why I would never again talk to anyone in the family, that I was going to sue our dad at sometime in the future, and that she too could get away and heal. I went home in a haze, I wasn't thinking properly. At first I felt a weight off my shoulders. But I was tired, distracted, disconnected. A few hours later, I was sitting on my bed. I don't remember what I was doing. My heart swelled painfully and I began to cry. It's entirely over now, all of it. I've said goodbye to my family once and for all. I don't care about the rest of them. The only one I continued to give a shit about was my sister. She was there for all of it, though I know she doesn't like to think so. She used to be angry. Now she defends them and her eyes go dead and she tells me that they were both going through some shit and blah blah blah. I've gone through shit too, but I never raped or hit or screamed at a child. And only shitheads with no soul try to excuse that by saying they were "going through things". Or so I tell myself.
No matter what they did, they're still human. Kind of. I get upset whenever I realize that. I feel less validated in my anger and the hatred I direct at them. They're human, they were abused too, horribly if my suspicions are correct. But they never grew up. They never took responsibility and healed themselves to ensure that they never did the same horrifying things to anyone else. Even after they did those things, they didn't do shit to fix it. They probably guilted themselves and everything got worse and worse and worse because guilt doesn't do shit besides make everything bigger than it needs to be.
I loved my sister until I would see her. She was so dead, so subservient, so desperate to change herself for other people and do whatever she could to earn their love, even if it meant putting herself in emotional danger. I hated it. I hated being around her. I wanted to shake her and say "Don't you see what you're doing? Don't you see what THEY'RE doing to YOU? WHY DO YOU INSIST ON FORGETTING HOW HORRIBLE THEY ARE?!" but I didn't. I did the only thing I knew how to do. I left. I stopped going to her house, I stopped answering her emails, I acted like she didn't exist. I apologized for that at the beginning of my email. I didn't like that I had done that. I had wanted the guts to speak to her and tell her everything. But whenever I started to, she would talk over me and keep defending them and throw whatever feelings her and I might have about being abused out the window. We didn't matter, but they did. That's what she was really saying.
I couldn't do that. I was done. I was finished thinking that I was so low on the ladder that anyone could touch me or tell me that my plans wouldn't work for whatever reason or thinking that people had the right to tell me what to do with my life.
I'm done with this shit. I haven't checked my email because I'm not at all ready to read her response.