I've Got To Be Entertained

Withdrawing again, but now it's twofold: Coffee made me crazy, though I really didn't want to admit it. It made me sick too. I can't count the number of times I've tried to quit drinking it in the last month, but I keep trying until it works. The second: My ipod breaking had a greater affect on me than I anticipated. I never realized that i was using constant music to shut part of my brain off, a sad part. I knew I got really inot the music I was listening to, I knew I got obsessive when I discovered a new band or song that I liked, but I didn't know the extent. (Or did, but just didn't want to admit it.) Coffee isn't as much fun without music. It used to be that I would chug some and put on my headphones and dance around because my brain was shut off and for a few moments, i wouldn't have anything to worry about. But then the panic attacks would start, and the cracked out fear that never got smaller until I came down, but then I never really came down because I would keep drinking it. Strange, it actually helped my insomnia. It got me so worked up that I was exhausted by the end of the day. I'm back to struggling to relax and being kept up by unpleasant thoughts. I'm back to feeling like no matter what I do, it will be mediocre and I'll fail no matter what I try.

Lack of music has awoken an old obsession, so I spend a lot of my time on youtube looking up videos of my favoritest band evar. It tickles the addictive part of my brain, but I make it all better by saying that it's not physically bad for me. And it's an hour a day, two tops. It feels like someone's opening up my chest and touching something, though not in a bad way, strangley. Something is being looked at that's been locked away for the longest time. It's scary, but only in the "I've never been here before" way. It keeps me up at night, because it wakes up all these other feelings and fears that I forgot I had.

I'm getting my own room on Friday. I hope this will make my brain feel better.