In the space of two days, the following happened:
I had a flashback as I was trying to fall asleep. At first I reacted in the usual manner, beginning to panic and feeling like I was living in a nightmare. Then slowly I remembered all the things I learned in therapy along with what I had recently read about flashbacks. I sat up and mentally distanced myself so I was just watching instead of experiencing it. I remembered that my dad had made me do things, gross nasty innapropriate things, and if I ever said no, he would pressure or threaten me. The lights were always off when this happened, or my mind made it dark. i didn't remember any specific instances, but I remembered the sensation of being told to do something horrible, saying I didn't want to, and the sensation of fear and being pressured. I remembered my dad and his hands, I also remembered my mom's hands, but I don't remember what they were doing or if it was sexual. There's something involving my mom that I'm running away from, something just or nearly as horrible as what my dad did to me, but it's so stuck away that it's clear I'm not ready to face it. The focus was on my dad anyway. I remembered that as a small child, i was convinced that I had been raped by the devil. Of course, I didn't know a word for it. I mostly thought in pictures those days, and the image of it would pop in and out of my mind so quickly that I wasn't even aware of it at the time. I thought that I had done something horribly wrong to make the devil rape me, and that it was somehow justified. My parents are christian and I was surrounded by christians growing up. When threatened with the idea of hell, I would panic, as much as I could panic as a small repressed child. I always seemed to be doing things that would send me to hell, and no matter what I did to fix it, I always ended up doing something sinful. I desperately wanted to be good and pure and jesus-y, but my mind was so fractured that the moment I wasn't in church anymore I would stop thinking about it, except at night when the terror of hell would keep me awake. That's how my mind worked, I never took anything with me place to place.
The following is what I wrote in my notebook during and after the flashbacks. It's pretty intense. The italic is my inner child speaking. It was strange how closely my handwriting resembled mine as a kid the more I let her speak.
Please don't do that again, daddy.I'll do whatever you ask, I'll do everything I can to impress you, just PLEASE don't do that again. I'll get good grades, I'll get skinny, I'll try to be quiet, I'll be less like my mom, I'll be more like [sister], I'll stop eating so much, I'll let you look at me like that I'll let you hit me, I'll fight you because it reminds you of yourself, I'll fight you so you can laugh at me, I'll let you laugh at me, I'll let you touch me, because you scare me. You made me do things and if I didn't do them you wod hurt me again. Ill do whatever you ask because i love you and youre my daddy. I can feel you behind me. your hands are on my shoulders.
[name], it's okay, I'm here with you.
Is this what you've been scared to talk about?
Yes Daddy is touching me he is always touching me. I make him feel good.
How are you feeling?
gross dirty sinner going to hell my daddy hit my head the devil is hurting me daddy wont stop but i love him im dirty hes clean daddy is clean and Im bad Im so bad i did this daddy is rite and i did this
You didn't do anything wrong. Your dad violated you! He's in the wrong! You are a victim, you did nothing to bring this about, he did.
What do you need me to do?
GO AWAY
I can't do that. This isn't right. You deserve to be free and warm and safe.
i love daddy and you dont go away go away go away BURY ME BECAUSE IM bad
You're not bad. You're anything but bad. You're good and wonderful and smart and beautiful and kind and funny and compassionate and creative and worth everything and you deserve to be happy and safe. Daddy doesn't love you. I'm so, so sorry. All he wants to do is hurt you. I'm here to get you out of this. I'm going to take you somewhere warm and safe where you can feel wonderful like you are and do whatever makes you happy.
A blue metal box. They're locked in together and the horrible things never end. The door isn't locked, per se. It's held shut tight by will and terror and a vacuum of energy. There aren't any lights, but he glows with evil angry blue hot red fire. He has no eyes, just holes that resemble fiery chasms. He spits fire out of his mouth and glows blue and purple. She is blue until I look her in the eyes, and then she glows brightly white. It's easy for her to get caught up on his colors again unless I focus on her. I glow white too. I hold out my hand and tell her to take it. I tell her that I will keep her safe and that she won't be afraid anymore. Together, we hold the fire and darkness at bay and she takes my hand. I pull her out of the box and away from him and he begins to scream and roar with anger. I get her behind me and look directly into the chasms of his eyes. "You are no longer welcome here. It's time for you to leave." I say, staring at him intensly. He reaches out and tries to pull me in by my wrists. I fight and kick and twist until my arms are free from him again. He reaches for me once more and I slam the door, crushing his hands. I send the box far, far away from me, away from her. It flies out into the great space void and is crushed by the atmosphere. He is gone and so are all the horrible things he tried to leave behind.
She is naked so I take off my hoodie and wrap it around her. I pick her up and carry her out of the dark dank tunnel to the world above, where it's green and warm and safe. There are white and pink flowers growing, and the grass and trees are a lush healthy green. The sky is a beautiful blue with wisps of clouds once in a while. There is a slight pleasant breeze. There are friendly birds all around, and they all seem to be singing to us. She wants to feel the silky grass between her toes so I set her down. She's dwarfed in my hoodie, which nearly reaches her feet. We start to walk through the forest. She walks ahead of me, skipping sometimes, picking white flowers and putting them in her hair. They fall out instantly, but she doesn't seem to mind. She just puts more in. Sometimes she runs back and takes my hand. I ask her how she's feeling, she says fine, but scared and sad too. I tell her that that makes sense, but I'll help her feel less scared and less sad, and that I'll always be there to protect her. She looks up at me and smiles a smile so wonderful and beautiful and genuine and happy that it's hard to believe I ever made myself hate her.
We reach our cabin in a deep part of the forest. Inside is our pony, who is happy we are back and tells us so. He asks her how she is and she tells him it's bathtime. He says that afterward we'll all go on a wonderful ride and a picnic. She yells and hops up and down with delight and scurries off to the bathroom.
A bath is run with pleasantly warm water and pink bubbles and we scrub away the nasty black muck that seems to cover her. At the beginning it keeps growing back, but we work at it and laugh and sing and throw bubbles and soon it all goes away completely. I help her dry off with a gigantic towel that blankets her and when this is done, she runs off and gets her favortie pink and purple dress and puts it on. I help her lace her sneakers and we pack a lunch. "The pony doesn't need any because he eats grass," she tells me straight-forwardly. I tell her she's right and congratulate her on being so smart. She smiles, proud of herself. Soon we're ready to go. Our pony trots outside and I help her climb onto his back. I haul myself up as well, and our pony starts off, knowing the way. Before we're out of sight of the cabin, we hear a yell from behind us. Our kitty gallops after us and the pony stops. The kitty jumps up to her usual spot on the pony's rump and we're off again. Our kitty chides us for almost leaving her behind, and we laugh and apologize.
Soon we reach our destination, a beautiful meadow circled by trees. We set up our picnic. We spend the rest of the day playing tag, blowing bubbles, drawing pictures, picking flowers, swinging on the swing set, having races, whatever we feel like doing. The sun begins to set and I lie on the blanket. the kitty curled up in the crook of my neck. She walks over and tosses another bunch of flowers onto the blanket and lies down next to me. I put my arm around her and she cuddles into my side. The pony munches grass nearby, but he's feeling tired too. We all fall asleep.
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The next day my sister called the homeless shelter I'm staying at looking for me. My sister lives with my mom. She speaks to my dad and was always telling me last summer that I need to call them and forgive them and it was a different time and they were both dealing with shit. Her eyes always went dead when she said these things so it was easier to say no. She knew the area of town I'm staying in. I know my mom lives a matter of blacks away, but up until now I felt no danger. I worried, but I knew it wouldn't happen. My bubble of safety, that I've only had a little while, was totally popped. I panicked and found a bathroom and paced back and forth, sobbing and swearing and hitting the wall and hitting myself. Finally, I gathered the courage to go get help. I ranted and raved to a staff member and felt better. I rode the streetcar for two hours, looping back and forth through the city. I felt a little better, but not much.
Then when I got home, my ipod died. This by itself may not seem like a big deal. I have not left the house once since I bought it over a year ago. I don't have access to my computer right now, so I have no music. I use music to put a shield between me and the world when I go out in it. People don't talk to me as much when I've got headphones on, and I like it that way. When I was certain it didn't work, I found a bathroom (different one) and had a complete breakdown. It wasn't just my ipod that I was upset about, it was everything, my lack of personal space and alone time, my mom, my dad, my sister, my friends being so far away, school, finanial aid, having no money, doing the same damn thing every damn day for a month, forced into a small space with emotionally unstable people, need I go on.
The world sucks at the moment. I know it will get better, but the urge to shove that knowledge away and dwell on all the shit is strong.
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