It's cold and the sleeves of my coat are too short.

This is still my uncensored haven. I feel the need to remind myself of that.

I had to move in with a roommate. I was nervous for obvious reasons. She puts her own needs and wants aside for other people sometimes, I feel. And I think it makes her very angry. She reacts angrily to things, but does not realize it. She yelled at me for waking her up. I got so so angry and couldn't sleep in the room with her and then I cried and cried and cried because it had stabbed down into the darkest of all places that rears up whenever someone yells at me. I couldn't talk to her, I was scared and angry and guilty and sad. Someone made us talk it out, but I don't feel better about it. I never told her that I do not appreciate being ordered around.

The next day, I went to a nurse for my back pain. She made sense, she said that I have nerves in my back that are pinched and my spine is slightly twisted, all which leads to my back and arm pain. Then she massaged my back to try to get the kinks out of it. I felt weird, as I always do when someone massages my back, but mostly okay because I've been in dire need of a massage for a long time. I felt myself relaxing. She said I needed to "lose the weight" because extra weight on my frame can make pain worse. I stayed silent because I had no idea what to say to that. I spent the rest of the day glancing at my reflection in windows and wincing at what I saw. The 14-year-old in me was livid, so I guess I was livid. I hate that way of someone telling me to lose weight especially. More than one person has said it to me, though I haven't heard it in years. I'll never go back to her, because she looked at my body and felt the need to comment on it.

Then today the bus driver threatened me. I jaywalked to get to the bus. He told me that if I ever did that again and he was driving, I would pay for it with my life. I didn't react to it at first, I apologized, but then I slowly realized what he had said to me. My back started hurting really badly. I felt the intense need to get off the bus, and I did after a little while. I got myself lunch at a restaurant because I decided that I deserved it. The guy at the restaurant was very nice to me. I didn't know how to tip with a debit card, but he didn't seem to mind.

I don't see the point of all this. I don't see the point but something's telling me there is one. How can I connect and talk with people when it seems that each and every one of them is damaged and broken and spitting ickiness? I'm tired of people who take their sadness and anger and self-hatred out on other people, no matter how small it may seem. I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to cry but I can't because I'm in someone's room and she blasts horrible music. I watch cartoons I've seen a million times and doodle and sometimes I work through things, but mostly I escape. I've been working so hard lately to accomplish what I want, what I've decided to do, someone who's not a shithead told me that something will give soon, that I'll get that job I can enjoy, that I'll get what I need to finally get out on my own and become the person I want to be, the person I really am.

But if this is what I'll experience in the world, what the hell is the point?