Jeez, I see one person whom I find attractive, and it just sets off all this shit. Suddenly, my physical flaws are a billion times more obvious, and I wonder why I even bothered to leave my room. It was ten minutes ago that I saw this person, and I'm still sucking in my stomach and tensing when I notice it jutting out. I used to have moments at least where I liked the way I look, but those moments lessened until I don't seem to have them anymore. I'm back to feeling guilty every time I eat, and I hate that so much. I wonder if losing weight would even do anything or if I'd still stress and worry about my stomach and arms and thighs and feet(??). I don't think I know a woman who is completely okay with her body. I think that in this society, that's a little on the impossible side. There's a woman at the shelter who berates herself so violently on her looks that she gets near tears. In my view, she's tiny. Tiny. But all she sees when she looks in the mirror is...well, fill in horrible self-hating thought here. And it spreads, that's the worse part. She starts, then the woman next to her talks about how she hates her body, and so on and so on. I've tried to help, I tell them that I have no clue what they're talking about, fat is the last thing I see when I look at them, but they're so trained in self-hatred that I'm not sure they even heard me. For my own sake, I stopped getting involved. If I get too close, I start down the same path, double because all these women talking about how horrible their bodies are are all much smaller than I am. I feel like they're looking at me with that same hatred they give themselves. I start feeling disgusting and ugly, and no matter what good thoughts I try to feed myself, I'm as deaf to them as the other women are.
I wish it didn't matter so much. I wish I could just look how I look and there wouldn't be all this hate and disdain and comparison and---a sentence ran through my head the other day that I didn't expect. I can't remember the exact wording now, but it related to my sister and how our dad would always love her more because she was the skinny one and I would always be lesser than her and all of my cousins and all of my dad's coworkers' daughters and every young girl my dad came into contact with because I was fatter than all of them. I remember my back tensing whenever I noticed that I was the largest girl in the room. I would feel too exposed, and I would look in his eyes and know he was thinking...something bad about me. Maybe not bad, but it felt like he noticed too and somewhere in his mind was thinking negative thoughts directed at me for it.
I have to eat in front of everyone at the shelter. I wouldn't mind so much if I didn't constantly expect someone to comment on it or my size or something. It's never happened, not there at least, but I think part of me would break if it did. I'm not fat. I know that. But damn, somewhere in my head it feels like I am. Even if I was anorexic, I'm pretty sure I would feel fat. And it's not just fat, either; it's fat/ugly/stupid/dumb/idiot/ugly/dumb/fat/stupid etc etc, whatever runs through my head when I panic.
I'm done thinking about this for now. I'm going to go buy a notebook from the magic shop.
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Slowly, I've started to remember the beginning of my life. Some of it I already knew, some of it was a surprise, but not really. I record my findings here.
2 comments:
It drives me crazy too. I don't know very women who think of other women as fat, but they all think of themselves that way. And when someone tells you that you're not, and they have no idea what you're talking about, even if you trust their opinion it's like they're telling you that the sky is brown and you can clearly look up and say, "no, it's blue."
It's retarded, literally, and I can't think of how to get rid of it.
A few times I was in the kitchen and they would be watching TV and someone would randomly comment on how the woman doing the newscast had gained weight or how another woman's arms were really fat. It made me want to scream at them. "WHO THE FUCK CARES." But I don't, because I know they're hurting and hating themselves, but they're also repressed so the messed up just sprays and goes everywhere. It's sickening to be around. I like my body when I don't take anyone else into consideration, but that's difficult to keep up.
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